My House

Grumpy Old Troll

I learned long ago that I should never blog about specific people in my life.  That being said, I'm going to throw caution to the wind here because I hope that the benefits will outweigh the risk.  I need an outlet that doesn't involve anger or someone that wants to 'fix' everything for me.   You know, I don't even want feedback.  I just want to document this and get it out of my head.

I have a brother that is a drunk.  He's been using one substance or another for nearly 25 years now.  We were close in age, so I became pretty familiar with his dysfunction (and that of our parents) early on.  I may not have known exactly what was going on, but this isn't new to me.

However, it still goes on.  It still rules the dynamics in our family.  It often ruins my family.

He was sober for nearly five years.  He rejoined the family, developed relationships with his siblings, nieces, and nephew.  Things were pretty good.  Then he disappeared again.

Well, he didn't disappear.  That would be too easy.  He still lives in my parents' basement.  He still talks to my parents (which I guess is good).  He still has his meals cooked and his laundry washed by my mom.  

He hasn't talked to anyone else in the fmaily in more than three years.

I live in a different town than my parents, so when I visit, I'm expected to stay with them.  I like that my kids love to wake up their grandparents by jumping on their bed first thing in the morning.  I like that my children enjoy playing in the same yard that I grew up in.  I do not like that my unstable brother in residing in the basement while my children sleep.  I try to stay awake as long as I can to listen for him.  There is no bathroom in the unfinished basement, and no kitchen.  So he comes out from under his rock every night to eat and shower.  By the end of my visits home, I'm so sleep deprived, but my kids don't seem to notice.  It's about them, right?

My older brother is angry, so angry.  I relate.  He was away at school and stayed away after he graduated.  My parents never told them, and I was rarely taken seriously as the little sister.  He was first faced with this when The Troll started working the 12 steps 8 years ago.  So my brothers developed a friendship for the first time in their lives before the Troll disappeared.  I would be angry, too.

My parents want so badly to keep the Troll safe.  My mother still holds hope that we will be a happy family once again.  She tries hard to glue the broken pieces back together again.  She mentions the Troll's name whenever she can in conversation.  This just angers the older brother.  I can see that she is just trying desperately to keep the Troll in our family.  She doesn't want him to be forgotten by his family, even if that's what his preference seems to be.  This is her coping strategy.

I don't know if time or distance has effected me most.  For the most part, I think I can see the situation clearly.  I'm not angry anymore.  It just is what it is.  I worry less about the Troll and more about those that surrounding him.  I'm concerned that they won't heal until he does.  And it's a horrible thing to put your life on hold in hope that a very unstable person will get better someday.  I fear that my family will never be whole again.

I do resent the Troll for breaking my family in the first place.  

I wish that the rest of us could somehow relate to each other like normal people do.  I wish that I could talk to my parents or my older brother without anyone getting defensive or offended in some way.  I wish that we could just decide to let it go.  LET.  IT.  GO.  All of it.  The anger, the hope, the denial, the past.  Start over and just love one another.  

Starting Over

I haven't kept this blog up to date in years.  It served an important purpose once upon a time.  I couldn't have survived my miscarriages without some sort of outlet.  I am so grateful for that reason, and I've been reluctant to let it go.  If I closed this account, would my blog and this time period just blow away in the wind?  I wasn't ready to take that chance.

Lately, I've been looking, once again, for an outlet.  I want a place to journal and record my days.  I'm pretty sure that no one will stumble across my blog anymore.  I'm sure that it won't be interesting enough to subscribe to.  If you find me, congrats and I'm sorry for boring you.  Once again, this blog is solely for me.

Today is a Sunday.  Normally, our Sundays are spent at my in-law's house eating pasta or some feast that my Sicialian mother-in-law has prepared.  Today, however, we are alone.  My in-laws are away visiting my brother-in-law and his family for a few days.  I miss the ritual of going to her house, however I'm enjoying having a day without much of an agenda.  This weekend feels much longer than most.  It's sad to say, but I'm a little excited over the idea of having all of my laundry done before Monday even begins!

We went to church this morning.  This is monumental.  I'm Catholic, as is my husband, and my children have been baptized.  However, we haven't practiced in ages.  My children haven't been to a Mass in the memory.  My husband and I decided that regardless of our personal feelings and confusion, we really need to get the children into religious education.  So we dropped the kiddos off at Sunday school and went to Mass.  I'm glad that the kids had a good time.  The Mass was pretty miserable.  It felt more like a telethon.  The priest spent nearly 15 minutes asking for more money.  I just kept reminding my husband (and myself) that this is for the children.  We need to set a good example.  If I keep repeating it, maybe I'll start to believe it, too.

So tomorrow the week begins.  Back to working out every morning at 6 am.  Back to nagging the children to get ready for school/clean their rooms/stop fighting/please share.  Back to cooking, cleaning, and trying to keep my head above water.  Back to life as a Mom.  It's everything I'd ever hoped for.

Turning a Corner

My "baby" has potty trained, and since we finished having children, we are entering a new phase in being parents.  I have a box of diapers to donate this holiday season since we no longer have a need for them.

I'm so excited!  I will always treasure the time that I had with my babies, but I am so excited to move into a kid phase.  They are able to do so much more, and I love to watch them develop into little individuals.  They are starting to take on more responsibility.  They use the hand vacuum to clean the floor (sort of) after meals.  The 4yo can swiffer and mop the bathroom, keep her room straightened up, and pick up around the house.  She can also occasionally help fold laundry, and the 2yo will match socks.  It's awesome that they can contribute even the littlest bit.

The 4yo is writing and working on letter sounds.  It's the coolest thing to see her be able to communicate this way.  She formulates what she'd like to say and asks me to spell the words.  She has written letters to me, her teachers, and Santa.  I'm excited to watch her grow and learn.

I've started researching schools in our area.  I am really intimidated by this decision.  I feel that things would have been so different, and potentially better for my brother and I if we had gone to a different elementary school.  Perhaps, he would have been engaged in a school that was able to challenge him.  Perhaps he wouldn't have dropped out so early.  My story is not nearly as tragic.  I didn't learn to love learning until I was an adult.  I wish that something or someone would have sparked my interest earlier on.  Perhaps I would have accomplished more in life. 

But I know that it's not just the school's responsibility to teach and engage a child.  I will have to actively work with the girls throughout their years in school.  I really wonder if the extra-curriculars that we did as children were really that important, or did they distract us from  what was really important.  Oh, well, this seems like another post or even an ongoing discussion. 

My little girls are growing up.  :)

Self-Image

Ever since I can remember, I have been concerned about my body.  I used to be obsessed with it.  I used to starve myself on a regular basis to be smaller.  I gave that up, and have been on a rollercoaster, both with my weight and my head.

I knew, once I had daughters, that I'd need to find a healthy place in my head.  I am their teacher and role model.  They will learn about their bodies, they will learn how to feel about their bodies, from me.  So I need to demonstrate a healthy body image.  I don't want them to grow up with the insecurities about their bodies like I did.  I want them to be confident, and know that their bodies are perfect just as they are.

I've been actively working on my thought processes, my self-talk, since the 4yo was born.  I've been hard on my body for not looking the way I think it should or not being able to manage pregnancies.  Especially since the birth of my 2yo, I've been trying to appreciate my body for what it can do and other positive attributes. 

Working out on a regular basis has really helped in this process.  Of course, my body has changed shape a bit, but that's the least of the benefits.  I'm trying things I never thought I'd try, and I'm succeeding at them!  I'm out of my comfort zone, and I love it!  It's empowering!  I'm feeling strong and healthy.  It's certainly beneficial to spend time on ME.  I get a charge out of my workouts.   I'm learning to appreciate my body for being strong and fit, for being able to nurture, mother, and love.  I love the duality of my body.  I'm strong and soft at the same time. 

Does my body look perfect?  No.  In fact, I have about 25 pounds to lose.  But my body is perfect for me and my life right now.  Once my children are off to school every day, I can concentrate on losing the weight.  But for now, I'm happy working out in the mornings before everyone wakes, and snuggling everyone while the sun is in the sky.  And I hope that my girls see a woman with a healthy love for herself. 

I love this journey that I'm on.  Having daughters is teaching me so much about myself.  It's a surprising benefit of motherhood, and I'm forever grateful.

Done

I've been formulating a really positive post in my head about how my body image has changed as I've gotten older.  I'm really in a great place in my head, and I want to write about it.  But so many other things have been keeping me from the blog and from this positive place, and I'm so frustrated!!

The girls were sick.  We'll we've all been sick.  They came home with the virus that's running around school within a few days of starting.  Then it turned into an ear infection for each of them.  Then they each had allergic reactions to the antibiotics.  Then I got a stomach bug, and now my throat is scratchy again.  Oh, and the 2yo's teeth went dark, I'm trying to run 2 fundraisers for the preschool, my house is falling down around me, yada yada yada....I need a break!!!!

My circumstances aren't likely to change, and in the big picture, these problems are small.  My children are healthy.  I have a wonderful life.  I'm just feeling really defeated lately.  I need to change my attitude.  I need to find that positive place again. 

Both girls will be in school tomorrow.  I think that I'm going to spend that time going through the 4yo's room.  I desperately need to purge in there.  She's going to have a fit, but I need to face the music.  This will be good for both of us.  At least I will feel like I've accomplished something.

My other goal for tomorrow is to find a positive place in my head.  I need to change my attitude.  The kids are going to get sick.  I need to stay strong and positive for them.  I need to stay positive for me.

Working Out

I've been working out pretty regularly for the last year and a half.  I really enjoy the workouts, but I'm a bit frustrated that I haven't really lost any weight.  I've definitely changed my body shape, but not size.  So I've joined an online program that will hopefully help me get on a diet that will work.  Dieting has been the biggest challenge for me.  It is so hard being a mom--taking care of everyone and everything else before myself.  The house gets more attention than my diet.  And I use food to help me relax.  It is so nice to sit down in a quiet house with a treat to eat.  I guess I have to find other ways to unwind.  Maybe blogging??

I've been sick, so I haven't even worked out in more than a week.  Tomorrow I get back tot he gym for a session on the Pilates reformer.  Maybe I'll be able to squeeze a run in sometime, too.  It's back to work!  Adjusting the diet will come slowly, I imagine.  There's a lot to adjust, and I can't just run out to the store to restock my kitchen.  Not without my little helpers.  There will have to be some planning there...

Whirlwind

I hope that I eventually fall into this school routine.  The 4yo goes to school 4 days a week now.  I feel like I can barely look beyond the next day's schedule and I'm not getting anything done!  I need to figure out a schedule for me and my stuff now.  If all goes well, the girls will have finally made it through a full week of school for a change.  Next week, I hope to return to the gym and my workout routine.  I'll have to work on creating a schedule for the house then, too.By the time I get used to this, it will be summer again.

The 2yo saw the dentist yesterday.  She did really well, and he said that her teeth are fine.  He doesn't think that they will lighten up again, but we'll see.  If they don't, she'll have dark teeth until they fall out and are replaced by permanent ones, which should be healthy.  So just a few years of a darker smile.  I'm still a little sad, but I'll deal.  The 2yo doesn't care, so why should I?  I just hope that she isn't teased at any point.

I think that everyone in the house is finally on the mend.  I still have a ways to go, but at least I'm sleeping again.  I can handle everything if I can get some sleep at night.

Sick to My Stomach

To backtrack a bit, my 4yo lost her front tooth two weeks before her third birthday.  She fell and fractured her tooth.  It was surgically removed later that day.  It was a very difficult time for my husband and I.  We mourned the loss of her toothy grin.

My 2yo fell and bumper her teeth a couple of weeks ago.  She falls a lot since she is very pigeon-toed.  Her teeth were barely loose and didn't bleed, so we figured we'd just keep an eye on them.  We noticed a couple of days ago that they are darkening.  A lot.  Are we going through this again??  I'm taking her to the dentist tomorrow. 

Apparently this is pretty common and lighten back up in many cases.  I hope they lighten back up for her. 

I'm so grateful to have two healthy girls.  I wish they were a little less clumsy, though.  I think I can only blame myself for that gene, though.  *blush*

Goals

Ok, so I'm going to shoot for 20 posts in the month of October, and I'm getting a slow start here!  I hope that this will be a good exercise for me.  I used to keep a written journal.  I kept it for probably close to 15 years.  It was very cathartic.  My journaling stopped when blogging began, and while blogging has also been extremely therapeutic, it became less for me and more for my readers.  So I'm back, and I imagine few to none of my readers will be.  So once again, this is for me.

I'm not concerned about trying to keep this a private bog anymore.  I'm not going to share any detailed information, and I'm pretty sure that my boring posts will keep most people away!

So this has been a chaotic week.  One by one, everyone in my family has gotten sick.  I finally have it now.  The 4yo's virus turned into an ear infection--a first for this family.  So I've been running around, covered in snot, chasing children (and hubby) with the ear thermometer.  I haven't been to the gym since Monday. 

This weekend is no less crazy.  Like I said, I'm sick now.  Hubby is on call, so there's a good chance that we won't see him and when we do, he'll be in a horrible mood.  There are people in my basement.  The contractor that finished our basement for us earlier this year is showing our basement in a home show.  The basement is beautiful--he did a wonderful job--and he should be able to show off his work a bit.  It's not a big deal--I don't have to be involved at all--it's just hard to relax in pajamas or sweats when you know there are strangers in your house!

Sp this Fall begins a new chapter in my life.  We had a wonderful summer, but I'm glad to see the change of seasons and the structure that the new season has to offer.  With the girls in school, I hope to have more time to go to the gym and clean the house. I also hope that the new, consistent routine will help me change my eating habits.  I need to start eating healthier on a consistent basis.  It's been hard to accomplish anything with the girls being sick, though.  Hopefully we'll get a full week at school this week!

Long Time, No See

It's been ages.  I've gotten so horrible at the blogging thing!  I'm not ready to give it up, though.  So here I am.  I'm going to make a resolution for October (not that I really need to add anything to my To-Do List) to write 4-5 times every week.  The posts won't be deep thinking or ground breaking.  In fact, I count on them being extremely boring.  I imagine that I will simply log my day-to-day activities and thoughts.  I also expect that no one will read this but me, and that is just fine with me!

So the girls are now 4 1/2 and 2 1/2.  They are awesome.  I will try to elaborate through the month.  M goes to Pre-K four mornings a week and A goes to preschool two mornings a week.  It is nice to have a little time to myself, although I haven't really experienced it yet.  One or the other has been sick since we started school.  Hopefully next week They will both have full weeks.

I wake up and go to the gym early almost every morning.  I've recently discovered Zumba, which I love.  I'm so excited that my gym now offers a 5:30 am class!  I've been working out for about a year and a half now, and while I definitely see a big difference in my body, I have not lost weight or changed size at all.  I'm frustrated with that right now. I definitely need to change my eating habits, but that it added energy that I do not want to spend.  *sigh*  There has to be an easier way!  I love working out, though.  It feels good to have accomplished something so early in the day, and I enjoy having a little time to myself everyday.  I don't have to watch the clock or my phone--it's just me and the gym.  It's also nice to just be myself and not a Mommy for a while.

My life is good right now.  I have no complaints.   wasn't sure that I'd ever get to a point in my life where I could say that, but here I am.  And I thank God for it every day.